How to produce your very own bhangra album

I posted this on Punjab2000.co.uk a while ago and it got a lot of laughs so I thought I post it here... Also check out the "How to create your sequal" below which was posted recently on P2K. Enjoy...

If you are a Desi male between 16-39 you already qualify to become a dj/producer. No Experience necessary..so lets' begin...

1) Think of a funky dj name better yet copy a mainstream hiphop/garage artists's name and desify it. hrmm.... too many Doctors in the field Dr Zeus, Dr Dre etc... think of something else... 50 Cent is huge right now, how about "D-Unit"? Desi Unit get it? Clever innit?

2) Day dream about how your video is going to look like. What type of cars you will have in there. Just like the hiphop videos. Eventhough you do not have a song recorded yet, its a good thing to visualize how your video is going to be like. It will motivate you on completing your SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM.

3) Tell everyone around you, from your neighbour's cat to a stranger's grandmother that you are releasing your SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM. Tell anyone who bumps into you, infact make posters and stick them everywhere saying "COMING SOON". By not giving an exact date, the "Coming soon" poster will save you from printing alternate posters when your SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM does release by your now 6 yr old sister's 10th birthday.

4) If people ask you "how you gonna produce this album Pintu? You dont even know how to use a cassette player!". First give these "non-belivers" a mean look and tell them about your vast list of contacts who will help you in producing your SAMSHING DEBUT ALBUM. Tell them how you and Dr. Zeus were in the same room and breathed the same air. Tell them how Jazzy B's neighbour's cousin's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend's aunt went to the same
Punjabi school as you. No stories are far fetched, use your imagination. End your stories with the sentence "Keep talking a$$hole wait till my album releases I ain't gonna thank you". This will shut up all nay-sayers and non-belivers.

5) Day dream and pick out clubs for your release party. This is essential because this is where you will get pu$$y. You will get to show your face to pre-teens who will be enamoured by your air-brushed face on your SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM cover. This is where you will serve them mixed drinks and take advantage of them a-la-R.Kelly. Tell all nay-sayers and non-belivers that they will not be invited. This will make them jealous and they will post on
various message boards about your inability to function a cassette player. Do not let these people hinder your plans for producing your SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM, conteversy sells, so will you.

6) Pick out your image. If you wear a Pug decide if you want your hair down or not. If you mix and match you will confuse your teenage fans they will be left with no choice but to offer their pu$$y to Bumpy the chunky sitar player who hangs around you for no apparent reason.

7) Become a snob. You are producing an album they are not. You are better than them.

Now finally time to produce an album...

8) Make calls to india better yet visit india. Find a singer any singer will do. Consider walking the fields and asking goat and cow herders to sing for you. If they speak punjabi and sing "Put Sardaran Deh" like how you remembered it. HIRE HIM.

9) Get him in a studio, promise the cow herder riches and teenage pu$$y in England. He will not refuse he will sing, he will sing his heart out. He will sing with a glimmer of hope that one day he will be famous as Jazzy B. Only to find out that his lack of personality and english skills will land
him a comfortable job at Heathrow directing travellers.

10) find dhol players. This is easy. Just step outside your house and yell I NEED DHOL PLAYER. I Gaurantee you will have more dhol players than you can shake your dhol sticks at.

11) Find a tumbi player. This is difficult. Back to india you go. Get the goat herder, promise him riches.... Follow step 9. He will play the tumbi like it was his own d!ck.

12) Pay someone to record these songs. Walk around the studio looking important. Keep looking at your "Coming Soon" posters and album covers. See if you can make yourself sexier by air-brushing those zitss, big as craters, from your face.

13) Make phone calls while album is being recorded. Let them hear the production work in the back. Let them know that "Coming Soon" is infact in a few days. This will make nay-sayers and non-belivers even more jealous. Their post count will rise on Messageboards as they insult you. Your clout is on the rise.

14) Your album is ready. Cow herder awaits his fame, Goat herder awaits his fame. Nay-Sayers await its arrival. Your mother loves you. Your girlfriend finds you 20% more sexier.

15) Reap the benefits. Forget the cow-herder/goat herder. Let them work at Heathrow. You've done it. YOUR SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM IS A SMASH. Online articles call you the next BIG thing. Bally Sagoo doesn't hold a candle against you.