How to create a sequal to your bhangra album

After your successful "SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM", which was awarded the PLATINUM status by internet downloaders for easy access to your local C: drive, you are now ready to smash it up with a sequal.

That's right baby the much anticipated, according to your family and friends, Volume 2! Which will either make you the king of bhangra production or leave you at the mercy of your parent's taunts like "oye mr. dj, you suck, now back to studies you go"!

Here are some steps to help you solidify your place in the cut-throat bhangra industry. Your Production rates have increased, your gf now wears makeup, people are throwing vocals at you, haters are now waiting in line to suck your *ahem*...

shall we start?

1. This step should have been taken care of while you were in mid-production of your first album. Which is, print fliers for your Volume 2 and store them in a cool dry place, away from your loud-mouth friend Bhinda. Make sure the fliers say "MUCH ANTICIPATED RELEASE", and "COMING SOON", that you already knew..

2. Take a hiatus from the bhangra scene for a while, you dont want them to get sick of you. So take about 2 years off in between your first album, but distribute the fliers. Relax, you worked so hard on the first album, wait until people or you start posting on message boards asking "What happened to that guy?" Whatever you do, DO NOT REGISTER your USERNAME as your dj name spelled backwards. People will quickly realise who you are and laugh at you for starting a thread about yourself. This will be a low point in your career believe you me.

3. Inform people around you that this time its going to be BIGGER than ever. Drop some names of C-list mainstream celebrities, tell them that Vanilla Ice is going feature on my next album. This will create unprecedented buzz. You will be surprised at responses. Your gf will start wearing high-heels and mini skirts in your precence.

4. Always say that you are now "too busy". Like if someone comes up to you and says "Yo Dj Pappu, let me feature on your next album, i'm the diggady biggady biggady dope mc innnit". Your response.. "Too Busy"

5. People all want a piece of you now. Make sure you have enough photoshopped air brushed pictures of yourself on the internet. Use these pictures to pick up pu$$y on places such as hi5 and myspace. Dont let all that money your record company spent on you go to waste. Put those d**n pictures to good use.

6. You already pi$$ed off several singers and musicans on your first album by not crediting or paying them. Or paying them in bottles of cheap whiskey. So you need new singers, another plane ticket to india. REMEMBER: This time search for goat and cow herders in DIFFERENT PINDS.

7. During step 6, avoid eye contact with customs officer when you arrive and depart Heathrow aiport, you know the guy who sang the hit songs on your album. Yeah, that guy.

8. Drink often, god knows you might not be offered free booze at pubs after your second album drops.

9. Finally hit a studio with the vocals you collected. Hand them over to a talented inhouse producer. Watch what he does, offer ridicolous suggestions such as "I think we need to add a Saxaphone and remove this tumbi." This will get you kicked out of the studio so that producer can work in peace and you can talk to your new and improved gf outside while admiring your reflection in shiny objects.

10. Vol 2 is out but people hate it, it ain't as good as the first one. Truth: you didn't pay the producer properly and the singers from the different pind aren't as good as the singers on your first album. What you tell the public: Record company complications, too much downloading, i.e. no money! Haters ruined the game. Bhinda can't keep his mouth shut.

11. Remove yourself from that record company, establish your own supergroup consisting of "diggady diggady rapper" you first ignored and start paying visit to Heathrow customs officer often for him to sing again.