I posted this on Punjab2000.co.uk a while ago and it got a lot of laughs so I thought I post it here... Also check out the "How to create your sequal" below which was posted recently on P2K. Enjoy...
If you are a Desi male between 16-39 you already qualify to become a dj/producer. No Experience necessary..so lets' begin...
1) Think of a funky dj name better yet copy a mainstream hiphop/garage artists's name and desify it. hrmm.... too many Doctors in the field Dr Zeus, Dr Dre etc... think of something else... 50 Cent is huge right now, how about "D-Unit"? Desi Unit get it? Clever innit?
2) Day dream about how your video is going to look like. What type of cars you will have in there. Just like the hiphop videos. Eventhough you do not have a song recorded yet, its a good thing to visualize how your video is going to be like. It will motivate you on completing your SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM.
3) Tell everyone around you, from your neighbour's cat to a stranger's grandmother that you are releasing your SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM. Tell anyone who bumps into you, infact make posters and stick them everywhere saying "COMING SOON". By not giving an exact date, the "Coming soon" poster will save you from printing alternate posters when your SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM does release by your now 6 yr old sister's 10th birthday.
4) If people ask you "how you gonna produce this album Pintu? You dont even know how to use a cassette player!". First give these "non-belivers" a mean look and tell them about your vast list of contacts who will help you in producing your SAMSHING DEBUT ALBUM. Tell them how you and Dr. Zeus were in the same room and breathed the same air. Tell them how Jazzy B's neighbour's cousin's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend's aunt went to the same
Punjabi school as you. No stories are far fetched, use your imagination. End your stories with the sentence "Keep talking a$$hole wait till my album releases I ain't gonna thank you". This will shut up all nay-sayers and non-belivers.
5) Day dream and pick out clubs for your release party. This is essential because this is where you will get pu$$y. You will get to show your face to pre-teens who will be enamoured by your air-brushed face on your SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM cover. This is where you will serve them mixed drinks and take advantage of them a-la-R.Kelly. Tell all nay-sayers and non-belivers that they will not be invited. This will make them jealous and they will post on
various message boards about your inability to function a cassette player. Do not let these people hinder your plans for producing your SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM, conteversy sells, so will you.
6) Pick out your image. If you wear a Pug decide if you want your hair down or not. If you mix and match you will confuse your teenage fans they will be left with no choice but to offer their pu$$y to Bumpy the chunky sitar player who hangs around you for no apparent reason.
7) Become a snob. You are producing an album they are not. You are better than them.
Now finally time to produce an album...
8) Make calls to india better yet visit india. Find a singer any singer will do. Consider walking the fields and asking goat and cow herders to sing for you. If they speak punjabi and sing "Put Sardaran Deh" like how you remembered it. HIRE HIM.
9) Get him in a studio, promise the cow herder riches and teenage pu$$y in England. He will not refuse he will sing, he will sing his heart out. He will sing with a glimmer of hope that one day he will be famous as Jazzy B. Only to find out that his lack of personality and english skills will land
him a comfortable job at Heathrow directing travellers.
10) find dhol players. This is easy. Just step outside your house and yell I NEED DHOL PLAYER. I Gaurantee you will have more dhol players than you can shake your dhol sticks at.
11) Find a tumbi player. This is difficult. Back to india you go. Get the goat herder, promise him riches.... Follow step 9. He will play the tumbi like it was his own d!ck.
12) Pay someone to record these songs. Walk around the studio looking important. Keep looking at your "Coming Soon" posters and album covers. See if you can make yourself sexier by air-brushing those zitss, big as craters, from your face.
13) Make phone calls while album is being recorded. Let them hear the production work in the back. Let them know that "Coming Soon" is infact in a few days. This will make nay-sayers and non-belivers even more jealous. Their post count will rise on Messageboards as they insult you. Your clout is on the rise.
14) Your album is ready. Cow herder awaits his fame, Goat herder awaits his fame. Nay-Sayers await its arrival. Your mother loves you. Your girlfriend finds you 20% more sexier.
15) Reap the benefits. Forget the cow-herder/goat herder. Let them work at Heathrow. You've done it. YOUR SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM IS A SMASH. Online articles call you the next BIG thing. Bally Sagoo doesn't hold a candle against you.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Bhangra Teams
Well there are tons of bhangra teams out there. Every college, university, high school from Jallander to Alaska seems to have one. Especially now more than ever. I am rarely impressed with many of these bhangra teams in the Western hemisphere, mainly because they dance to hiphop infused bhangra while incoporating hiphop moves. Don't get me wrong, some can pull it off, others it just looks sad. And I like hiphop as well. The bhangra teams I prefer are usually more "Desi". The ones you probably write off as a "fobby night out". But once, just once, accompany your parents when they go out for these dinner-dance nights and you will be surprised. Here is what you may see...
Bhangra Team from Panjab
In the light of University Bhangra teams in North America. I really was impressed with this University of Florida's team... I know Khalsa Junction is good but this shit is mindblowing....
UF Bhangra Pt 1
UF Bhangra Pt 2
Both of the above examples provide an insight on a good bhangra team from Panjab (there are probably some better out there) to an amazing bhangra team in North America. They both show the importance of coordination.
Me personally I'm a big fan of old skool, slow bhangra moves, but once in a while I dont mind these Uni teams.
How to create a sequal to your bhangra album
After your successful "SMASHING DEBUT ALBUM", which was awarded the PLATINUM status by internet downloaders for easy access to your local C: drive, you are now ready to smash it up with a sequal.
That's right baby the much anticipated, according to your family and friends, Volume 2! Which will either make you the king of bhangra production or leave you at the mercy of your parent's taunts like "oye mr. dj, you suck, now back to studies you go"!
Here are some steps to help you solidify your place in the cut-throat bhangra industry. Your Production rates have increased, your gf now wears makeup, people are throwing vocals at you, haters are now waiting in line to suck your *ahem*...
shall we start?
1. This step should have been taken care of while you were in mid-production of your first album. Which is, print fliers for your Volume 2 and store them in a cool dry place, away from your loud-mouth friend Bhinda. Make sure the fliers say "MUCH ANTICIPATED RELEASE", and "COMING SOON", that you already knew..
2. Take a hiatus from the bhangra scene for a while, you dont want them to get sick of you. So take about 2 years off in between your first album, but distribute the fliers. Relax, you worked so hard on the first album, wait until people or you start posting on message boards asking "What happened to that guy?" Whatever you do, DO NOT REGISTER your USERNAME as your dj name spelled backwards. People will quickly realise who you are and laugh at you for starting a thread about yourself. This will be a low point in your career believe you me.
3. Inform people around you that this time its going to be BIGGER than ever. Drop some names of C-list mainstream celebrities, tell them that Vanilla Ice is going feature on my next album. This will create unprecedented buzz. You will be surprised at responses. Your gf will start wearing high-heels and mini skirts in your precence.
4. Always say that you are now "too busy". Like if someone comes up to you and says "Yo Dj Pappu, let me feature on your next album, i'm the diggady biggady biggady dope mc innnit". Your response.. "Too Busy"
5. People all want a piece of you now. Make sure you have enough photoshopped air brushed pictures of yourself on the internet. Use these pictures to pick up pu$$y on places such as hi5 and myspace. Dont let all that money your record company spent on you go to waste. Put those d**n pictures to good use.
6. You already pi$$ed off several singers and musicans on your first album by not crediting or paying them. Or paying them in bottles of cheap whiskey. So you need new singers, another plane ticket to india. REMEMBER: This time search for goat and cow herders in DIFFERENT PINDS.
7. During step 6, avoid eye contact with customs officer when you arrive and depart Heathrow aiport, you know the guy who sang the hit songs on your album. Yeah, that guy.
8. Drink often, god knows you might not be offered free booze at pubs after your second album drops.
9. Finally hit a studio with the vocals you collected. Hand them over to a talented inhouse producer. Watch what he does, offer ridicolous suggestions such as "I think we need to add a Saxaphone and remove this tumbi." This will get you kicked out of the studio so that producer can work in peace and you can talk to your new and improved gf outside while admiring your reflection in shiny objects.
10. Vol 2 is out but people hate it, it ain't as good as the first one. Truth: you didn't pay the producer properly and the singers from the different pind aren't as good as the singers on your first album. What you tell the public: Record company complications, too much downloading, i.e. no money! Haters ruined the game. Bhinda can't keep his mouth shut.
11. Remove yourself from that record company, establish your own supergroup consisting of "diggady diggady rapper" you first ignored and start paying visit to Heathrow customs officer often for him to sing again.
That's right baby the much anticipated, according to your family and friends, Volume 2! Which will either make you the king of bhangra production or leave you at the mercy of your parent's taunts like "oye mr. dj, you suck, now back to studies you go"!
Here are some steps to help you solidify your place in the cut-throat bhangra industry. Your Production rates have increased, your gf now wears makeup, people are throwing vocals at you, haters are now waiting in line to suck your *ahem*...
shall we start?
1. This step should have been taken care of while you were in mid-production of your first album. Which is, print fliers for your Volume 2 and store them in a cool dry place, away from your loud-mouth friend Bhinda. Make sure the fliers say "MUCH ANTICIPATED RELEASE", and "COMING SOON", that you already knew..
2. Take a hiatus from the bhangra scene for a while, you dont want them to get sick of you. So take about 2 years off in between your first album, but distribute the fliers. Relax, you worked so hard on the first album, wait until people or you start posting on message boards asking "What happened to that guy?" Whatever you do, DO NOT REGISTER your USERNAME as your dj name spelled backwards. People will quickly realise who you are and laugh at you for starting a thread about yourself. This will be a low point in your career believe you me.
3. Inform people around you that this time its going to be BIGGER than ever. Drop some names of C-list mainstream celebrities, tell them that Vanilla Ice is going feature on my next album. This will create unprecedented buzz. You will be surprised at responses. Your gf will start wearing high-heels and mini skirts in your precence.
4. Always say that you are now "too busy". Like if someone comes up to you and says "Yo Dj Pappu, let me feature on your next album, i'm the diggady biggady biggady dope mc innnit". Your response.. "Too Busy"
5. People all want a piece of you now. Make sure you have enough photoshopped air brushed pictures of yourself on the internet. Use these pictures to pick up pu$$y on places such as hi5 and myspace. Dont let all that money your record company spent on you go to waste. Put those d**n pictures to good use.
6. You already pi$$ed off several singers and musicans on your first album by not crediting or paying them. Or paying them in bottles of cheap whiskey. So you need new singers, another plane ticket to india. REMEMBER: This time search for goat and cow herders in DIFFERENT PINDS.
7. During step 6, avoid eye contact with customs officer when you arrive and depart Heathrow aiport, you know the guy who sang the hit songs on your album. Yeah, that guy.
8. Drink often, god knows you might not be offered free booze at pubs after your second album drops.
9. Finally hit a studio with the vocals you collected. Hand them over to a talented inhouse producer. Watch what he does, offer ridicolous suggestions such as "I think we need to add a Saxaphone and remove this tumbi." This will get you kicked out of the studio so that producer can work in peace and you can talk to your new and improved gf outside while admiring your reflection in shiny objects.
10. Vol 2 is out but people hate it, it ain't as good as the first one. Truth: you didn't pay the producer properly and the singers from the different pind aren't as good as the singers on your first album. What you tell the public: Record company complications, too much downloading, i.e. no money! Haters ruined the game. Bhinda can't keep his mouth shut.
11. Remove yourself from that record company, establish your own supergroup consisting of "diggady diggady rapper" you first ignored and start paying visit to Heathrow customs officer often for him to sing again.
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